Thursday, May 14, 2015


I thought we were taking Dexter in to be treated for a doggie cold but it ended up being a very severe heart murmur. The vet said it was a 5 or 6 with the next phase being heart failure.

This was in August of last year.

Fortunately we've been able to medicate him and keep him alive and comfy since then.

We've been getting constant blood work, urinalysis, and have had 2 ultrasounds.

His first ultrasound showed that he had degenerative heart disease and the most recent one a few weeks ago showed that his heart has grown.

It's sad. I'm sad.

I was devastated when we found out the news and thought it was so unfair because both boys would be in school.

It was supposed to be our time to hang and reconnect after 6 years of him being terrorized by his human brothers.

Just him and me, cuddling in bed. We are doing that now. It's nice.

I can't help but feel the dread and I don't know what to do with it.

I am beyond grateful we got more time together but the inevitable is going to happen and most likely soon since his cough has changed.

I don't want to put him down, I don't know that I believe in euthanizing. I definitely don't want to see him suffer though.

I've told a couple people this is going to be major for my sobriety. I NEED to be sober. I stopped last time accidentally and definitely spiraled with the little ones asthma and then again in August with Dexters shortened life sentence.

All those health ailments while growing a business was so exhausting. And too much which ushered in the self medicating.

I feel like I'm in survival mode. People ask me about the weekend and I respond I'm just trying to get through the next event. Whatever it is. Picking up the kids from school, going to the grocery store, a play date, whateves. One day at a time right?

I feel like a flake because I cancel stuff but I feel so physically uncomfortable and tired and know that I'm "taking care of myself" but wonder if I'm ever going to be able to have energy. To be able to consistantly get shit done. Is it always going to be so much of a struggle?

I want balance. I want to be able to rest but rest when the house is clean so when I rest its real rest instead of guilt rest. I want to be able to numb out some of the pain and dread I feel about Dex and about the recent news of illnesses and divorces.

I know now that I must "sit through it" but God that's so much easier said than done. How long does it last? I know the pain will end but those situations won't. The change won't. The uncertainty won't.

I'm grateful to be writing again. This is good for me.

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