Donezo

Glad to see I could commit to writing every day in October as part of a 31 day challenge.  I didn't stick to the subject that I chose, but am still proud of accomplishing writing daily.  I don't feel like any of the entries were forced or irrelevant. 

It was very difficult at times but luckily I had my beastie as a motivating encourager.  There were a couple nights she reminded me to write and if she hadn't, the challenge would have been blown.  An accidental failure is the worst, especially for a tired mama.  Thanks for keeping me on track! 

I hope everyone had a very merry (d'oh) halloween, like we did.  The boys were absolutely adorable and very well behaved, especially for the amount of sugar I was pumping into them. They rarely get sugar, but on holidays I'm like a kid myself.  Cavaties for everyone!  This morning I wanted to invent a Halloween visitor (along the lines of Santa or the Easter Bunny) for when the boys woke up but instead opted for scaring the bejeezus out of them with a mask.  Haha...that was good. 

Sugar. High. Fading.  Night party people. 

Resistance

I have been presented with the opportunity to meditate twice in the past 18 hours. 

I haven't done it, because I don't know how.  That's not the only reason.  The idea of starting something that takes time and effort that may not fit into my boys schedule (because their sched is my sched, I know, martyr) is better left unlearned. Or, am I wrong?  Is it not as time consuming as I think it is? 

Rereading what I wrote seems pretty ridic but just stealing time for bloggy is difficult enough.  Add in learning another outlet to help center me, I just don't think there is the time.  But, to not do something that may really benefit me and my fam.  Ugh, dilemma! 

I love writing this blog, it is so cathartic (thanks for the new vocab word, t).  And to have my only quiet time, if I even get quiet time, dedicated to learning meditation.  That's the ish.  Do something that I may not be able to fully commit to, or actually learn, is it worth the effort?  I should be faithful that I can learn and the opportunity to do both will present itself. 

Oh, the joys of starting something brand new! 

Ego

Write.  Even when they aren't reading.  Because they will read. 

It's hard for me to remove my ego from bloggy.  It has to be because it is so personal and I care so much about the mission.  And, it's brand new.  Not brand new in terms of calendar days, but brand new in my life. 

It has become an obsession.  Not the writing, but checking the stats.  I love it when people read and when they don't, I take it personal.  Because it is personal. 

When I started, it didn't matter how many visits the site had because I only had the intention of putting it out there.  I need to get back to that.  I need to believe that this is going where it is supposed to no matter how the numbers rise and fall.  And they do rise, which makes me rise.  But they taper and that concerns me. 

Faith on my fate needs to be back in full strength.  And the ego has to go!

30's

Yesterday I went to our community pumpkin patch with the big one, our married friends and their 2.5 year old and one of their single girlfriends.  I ditched the little guy at the grandparents because mama doesn't like making the same mistake twice, in a short amount of time (see Crowds entry). 

I have met my friend's friend a couple times before but it was very seldom and always in group settings so we never had a real conversation.  We got to talking about how long we have known the couple and trying to track back to when we met.  We decided it was close to a decade.  Then I mentioned how much I love being in my 30's and she agreed.  I went on to say how we look better now than before, obviously.  We both confirmed how awkward 20's were for us and how there is so much more confidence and clarity now. 

Before talking with this gal I was thinking my 30's are so great because of the husband and kids and house, etc.  But she is experiencing the same age fondness and our life sitches couldn't be more opposite.  Good to know.

Sometimes I forget how self conscious and introverted the first thirty years of life were.  When I think about it now, it makes trading my youth for those couple sprouting gray hairs so worth it.  Not that I won't dye the crap out of them...

Pain

What are we supposed to do when we hear of incomprehensible things happening to people?  Circumstances that no one should ever be put through in life.  Situations you hear about that make you feel like you are going to crack, so you cant even start to comprehend the pain of the directly affected people.
 
Hearing of recent unfathomable events caused a 3 step process for me.  I cried, I prayed and then I got proactive.

I pray(ed) that God will heal the involved. That God will take away some of the pain that is being inflicted on the family.  That everyone be sympathetic and not say anything that is insensitive.  That there be no judgement of the people that are experiencing hurt.  I pray that friends and family not harm themselves in toxic environments and activities trying to find clarity for what is happening, as I used to do.  And that they realize quickly that sometimes there is just no good reason for horrible things that happen.

This morning I prayed that I be guided to do the right thing and to make the right decisions.  My answers were that I have to fully accept what is happening.  I have to realize that it is ok to cry and to feel helpless that no matter how bad I want to take and process a tiny bit of that enormous pain from that person, that it is not possible.  That repressing my sadness will result in negative energy that will effect my mental and physical health, which will eventually effect my treatment of family, friends and strangers. 

To honor the pained people, I was guided to enjoy the beautiful things in my life.  Initially that thought seemed very selfish.  But then I thought about if I were in a similar situation, what someone could do to help alleviate my pain.  The answer was not for them to hurt themselves, or be mad at God for putting us in our predicament.  It would be that they would take stock of what they have, and truly recognize the depth of their blessings.  Instead of them thinking, "What if this happened to me?", they look at one of their loved ones and feel their importance radiate through them. 

It is impossible to prevent certain types of pain from entering the lives of our loved ones, friends, and strangers.  It is possible, however, to transform the pain we feel for them into appreciation for what we have.  If we can maintain our positivity, I believe we can truly help the greater good.  My prayers for all of you who are feeling pain right now.   

Booed

My family was literally booed today.  I'm not crying about it.  I am actually thrilled!

After hitting the mall this morning, the little one and I pulled up to our house and immediately saw this adorable green frankenstein bucket on our front step: 

Frank our goody tank

 Are you absolutely in love with him?  I am!

I assumed it was our next door neighbor but when I read the enclosed greeting and instructions I was totally bamBOOzled.  It instructed us to cut half the page and paste it in our window or front door and then make 2 boo baskets and anonymously deliver them to our neighbors.  Then they will pay it forward and we can watch the neighborhood light up with boo signs.   

Here's the link to print up your own:  http://www.beenbooed.com/ 

We went to the Dollar Store and got 2 monster cloth buckets and added candy and glow sticks, which totaled $7.28.  Our Frank the Tank had candy, a frankenstein cookie, and tattoos.

We have never been anonymously presented with anything before and it was the best feeling ever.  I can't stop grinning.  I keep watching the house across the street to see when they take in their basket.  Once that basket is inside, I will know they are feeling some of the feelings we feel.  I can't see the other basket at my next door neighbors...but I'm pretty sure she started this.  But, who knows?  It could have been someone else and she will be just as surprised as we were.  Anonymous!  SO FUN!  

I hope you will initiate this very inexpensive and thoughtful act of cuteness in your neighborhood.  If not now, because of the short timing, maybe for Thanksgiving?  I've already decided for Thanksgiving to do something along these lines for the kidless fams that may be left out of this holiday. 

Askers

Do you agree to things that people ask of you because you are unable to say no?  You agree to these things because of fear of seeming selfish, mean or jeopardizing your relationship with that person.

Or, do you not put much stock into asking things of people?  You believe that if someone doesn't want to do something you ask of them, they will say no. 

I can't say no.  In person.  I can say it over email, because there is time to come up with an eloquent response (after getting "my" response from my husband or mom).  But in person, I'm like a bobble head.  If someone asks me a favor, I say yes.  That's because I dont ask something of someone if I know it could potentially make them feel awkward or agree to do it out of obligation.  I save it for an email and give them an opportunity to back out.

Actually, now that I think of it, I can say no.  It just depends on the relationship I have with the person.  My close friends and family all know I have a tendency to be blunt.  And I have no issues explaining to my family the reasons I can't do something for them.

It's the people I'm not close with that I end up agreeing to sitches I wouldn't normally because of the fear of seeming selfish, mean or jeopardizing the relationship.  I should probably work on that. 

Giving

Lately anytime I give of myself I consider if I am doing it for the right reason.  Am I doing it because I want to, or because I feel obligated.  Will this negatively affect my family by putting me in a foul mood and emotionally or physically exhausting me.   

I do believe that giving of ourselves is an important aspect in life that helps us connect with others and grow spiritually.   But when it is done, it must be done in the right mindset.  Giving shouldn't be done out of obligation.  That is a recipe for feeling resentment and/or feelings of martyrdom.  If someone has done something for you, you shouldn't feel like you owe them a return favor.  Unless of course it was discussed beforehand.  Same goes if you do something for someone else.  Don't expect it back.  You are setting yourself up.  Give open and freely without assumptions of receiving something in return. 

When do you feel the highest?  For me it is when my husband is completely infatuated with me, when the boys are listening and playing nice, when our house is clean and organized.  How do these things happen?  When I give myself to us completely.  When the husband and boys are happy, mama is happy.  When mama is happy, everybody is happy.  It's a cycle.  I have more energy to clean the house, go to all the grocery stores (budgets people), prepare better food which makes them feel better.  There is even left over energy to give myself to appreciative parties and causes.   

I believe we should give the most to ourselves, our spouse and our children.  If we are too busy giving ourselves to our friends, extended family, community, job, etc. we exhaust ourselves and forget what are our real priorities.  You will be surprised how much more you have to give when you are coming from a happy home.  I was.   

Benefit

Prior to getting married in the catholic church my husband and I were required to do Pre-Cana.  The option we choose was a 6 hour course lead by a couple who had been married for over 60 years.  They were so good!  A lot of the advice that they gave to having a successful and long lasting marriage has stuck with my husband and me for the 5 years we've been married.  One gem of advice is to always give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

Yesterday my husband left to go fishing at 5 am and knew to be back by 2 so the big one and I could go to his classmates birthday party.  He is approximately 15 minutes late every 4 out of 5 times.  Usually it isn't a big deal but this time it was imperative that he be home on time because I had somewhere to go.  I get a call at 12:30 that they left early but the inner loop was red on the gps so they needed to take an alternate route.  It had them arriving at 2.  Typical.  I say some mean things and we hang up.

I start thinking about how if every other time he was home when he agreed to, I would be able to give him the benefit of the doubt this time.  There it was.  That thought came into my head for a reason.  I should be giving him the benefit of the doubt because he did make a conscious effort to get home on time.  Since I don't verbalize to him that him always being late bothers me, he didn't understand why I was so annoyed. And actually, him always being late doesn't bother me.  It only bothers me when it does.  Wow...lucky guy!  Anywho, I was still annoyed and irritated when I was getting everything ready but had a calmness over me instead of my normal anxious nervousness about worse case scenarios. 

At 1:45 one of our wedding songs comes on the radio.  I texted the radio station to him.  He calls me.  He says he's about to get on the parkway and the gps has him getting home at 2:02.  He gets home at 2:02.  We get into it a little bit because both of our nerves are frayed.  I'm anxious about the party and he's annoyed with his drive home. 

The big one and I party and then come back home.  The husband and I get into it more.  Mean things were said by both of us so I go upstairs and lay down and feel down.  I felt so down.  Usually I'm the only mean one.  About ten minutes later my husband comes up.  We start talking about how we both really dislike making each other feel like poop.  He says I need to give him the benefit of the doubt.  There it was.  Again.  

I see now that he understood the importance of being home so that's why he left so early.  He respected me enough to leave earlier and then hurdles, out of his control, got thrown in the way.  He still ended up being on time.  But only after I gave him a lot of heat and unnecessary attitude.  And I get why he retaliated, which is way out of his character.  I hurt his feelings because he was genuinely trying and I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt.  I'll try harder baby cakes. 

Water

Savage River

I became very interested in water last summer when I was reading an issue of Whole Living.  Below is the information I read in the magazine article:

When submerged in water to chest level the body's bones bear about 25% of the weight they do on land.
Water compresses the body squeezing blood from extremities into the chest which increases the amount of blood that the heart pumps.
When submerged to your neck the heart moves about 30% more blood than on land.
More blood equals more oxygen which can rebuild injured or fatigued tissue.

This information was important to me since I've always had lower back issues because of, I assume, my scoliosis.  I read the article right before our family vacation so tried to spend as much time in the lake.  My mother in law and sister in law were pretty entertained by my loud and frequent verbal attempts to get everyone to "let the lake heal them".

Vacation ended and my new found interest in water fell out of my brain.  Until I broke my foot in December.  I couldn't shower at first because of my cast so I would take baths.  After about a week I graduated to a boot.  I kept taking baths and would float my broken foot in the water.  The only thing that effectively helped the pain was that hot water.  And I was on drugs.  Really good drugs, and lots of them.  All prescribed, of course. 

Water has been on the forefront of my mind for the past few months because it keeps appearing in books I'm reading in very powerful ways. 

Here's an example:
Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
Verse 78
Appearance and Reality

Nothing in the world
is softer and weaker than water.
Yet there is nothing better
for subduing all that is harder and stronger.

Everyone observes how weak overcomes strong,
how gentleness overcomes rigidity.
Yet, this principle is seldom put into conscious practice.

Though some say it is useless
to accept responsibility
for the calamities and toxicities of the world,
taking such responsibility
might put us on the road to the Great Integrity.

Just remember that truth often masquerades as falsity,
and falsity as truth.
***

I used the interwebs earlier to find some interesting fact bits.  Wikipedia says that you can only survive 8-14 days without water but 7-8 weeks without food.  The earth is over 70% water.  According to the USGS Water Science School our blood is about 83% water which helps us digest food, control body temperature, and dispose of waste.  And our bodies are made of about 75% water. 

Is water the most important thing in the world?!  

WATER!

Live it, learn it, love it! 

Newbie

Just when I think I'm getting good at this evolving thing I get jolted back into reality.  A major part of this self work is to be truly comfortable with myself.  I thought I was doing well until it was time to get ready today for the open house at the big ones preschool.

I have always had extreme anxiety about being the new girl in a new situation.  It didn't take therapy for me to realize, as an adult, that this apprehension is from being a military brat that moved every 2.5 to 3 years until I was a sophomore in high school.  New shy girls arent welcomed open armed.

It came as a shock to me that I got as worked up today as I did.  It was bad enough where the big one had a total melt down and was screaming and hysterically crying that he didn't want me to go because he loves me so much.  He is a very emotionally stable child so this behavior is very abnormal.  It's happened a few times that he has had that kind of response when I have been out of sorts. He is extremely intuitive.

Luckily my husband was around so he took over putting both boys down for a nap so I could get ready. I showered and then tried on 8 tops.  8.  That's kind of too many.  The whole time I am trying on these different combos I am completely psyching myself out about all the moms that will be there and how they will all know each other and I will stick out like a sore thumb.  Then I thought, at least my husband will be there with me.  Then I remember that I agreed to go to a classmates birthday party tomorrow with the big one by myself.  At a gym.  So I can't even preoccupy myself with my boy. Ugh.

Why would I do that?  Then I remember why I agreed to go to the party. Because I'm so evolved now, and comfortable with myself, and I love everyone and everyone loves me and uncomfortable situations can't kill me.  Such an idiot.  At least that's what I thought pre open house. 

Guess what?  The open house was great.  It wasn't awkward and it didn't kill me.  The other moms weren't mean and the teachers were all kind of nervous talking in front of the group which made me appreciative that at least I wasn't in that sitch.  It also reminded that everyone gets weirded out in unfamiliar group gatherings. 

I get that my response earlier was part of a learned behavior.  It's not often that I walk into a new group so it makes sense that the first few times I will be nervous.  It doesn't mean I'm not becoming more comfortable with myself and other humans, it is just going to be a process to be completely at ease with being the new girl. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow.  I bet it will be easier than today!

Band

Below is an email response to the band I used to manage.  Pretty amazing that 3 years later, the first paragraph holds true.  There's a bad curse word in the second to last paragraph.  It didn't feel right to edit out any of the email for this post.

Singer's email to the band:

"i have 2 sets of questions that i'd like to you all to answer to get a sense of what i can expect from you guys and to get you thinking of what you expect of yourselves and the band. 

what does success look like for you individually?

how do you get there?

what does success look like for the band?

how do we get there?....and what do you control?"

My response (after first responding to see if I was one of the guys and him responding "yes"):  

Success to me is being proud of what I am (or what I'm doing) and making a positive impact on the lives my work touches.  When someone asks me, "what do you do?' if I can answer them with genuine enthusiasm that would signify personal success in my eyes.  Another aspect of success is for my husband and family (sisters and parents) to be proud of me and my accomplishments.  Financial security also has an impact but not nearly as important as feeling fulfilled, enthused, and making a difference.

Getting there will only be possible by having a positive mindset, working hard, and constantly coming up with different ideas and/or avenues to continue succeeding.

Success for the band would be for you to have international notoriety.  Ideally you will start in the U.S. with radio time and opening act tours and then tour all over the world. 

We get there by coming up with a strategic business plan.  We also get there by constantly communicating with each other on where we are and where we are going.  We need to all be accountable, dependable, and constantly have the band's best interest on the forefront of our minds.  For you guys, making sure you are all performing to the highest degree and for me, having the business (bookings, promotion, etc) side as my main focus.  I like all of you in my own special way but my involvement is based on my belief that your music is something that needs to be shared with the world.  Music has always been extremely personal to me and has gotten me through some really rough times.  And I'd like for you fuckers to be able to do that for other crazies all over the world. 

My control is to take care of the business aspects of the band so you guys can focus on your music and achieve my goals (haha, I hope they are your goals as well)."

The keyboardist responded with a thoughtful response.  The guitarist brought up at our next meeting, when the singer and I confronted him, that he didn't think it was a serious email and that he was supposed to respond.  The band broke up a few months after that.  

I learned a lot about myself from managing the band for a little over a year.  I also learned a lot about how tricky the dynamic can be when working with and for friends.  I don't mean by me working for my friends, but the situation that involved the band members being friends.  I am still very close friends with the singer and have the utmost respect for his talent, drive, and beautiful soul.  He will go very far in life and I will be right next to him to encourage and promote him to my fullest extent.

Crowds

Today we went to a fall festival to celebrate my son's 4th birthday this Saturday.  When we went last year he decided we will go for his birthday every year.  I can dig it.  One thing I love more than fall is tradition. 

I chose a weekday this year because it's less crowded and cheaper by $6 per person.  Plus, we have his preschool's open house on his actual birthday. 

My close girlfriend came to my house and we rode there with the boys and my niece who stayed over last night.  We get to the farm and I realize I forgot the baby's stroller.  Two adults and a two year old and 2 three year olds on foot.  Never. Again.

My back and head are hurting just thinking about it (should be following yesterday's post but I am writing so cut me some slack :)).  It's not that the kids are out of control, I just have always had a huge fear of crowds.  I hate to profile and be sexist but seeing single men at kid functions completely weirds me out. 

After about an hour there I spot braided pony tail guy standing by himself and got totally spooked.  I was keeping it together until I saw him.  Just standing there by himself.  I assume he had a kid playing close by but it's just my initial response inside my mind that overloads me.  I become fearful that he is a creep and then I immediately feel guilty for thinking that. Maybe he's a great father who is there spending quality time with his kid.  I know that the majority of people are good and harmless.  It's just the possibility of one of those really bad people being around that cripples me. 

My girlfriend, who doesn't have kids, says, 'All the moms here look miserable'.  And I thought, yea, all the outnumbered moms.  If it was me and the big one it would be fine. Or me and the baby. Or me and the niece.  Watching the three of them dart all over the place was exhausting.  I know I'm a spazzoid when it comes to crowds, that's why I don't set myself up to be in situations like today.  My sister thought she was going to an interview and would meet us there, but it ended up being entry paperwork that lasted 3.5 hours. 

I'm sure it will get easier when the boys are a bit older but just the thought of them being so vulnerable is enough to make me feel completely drained both emotionally and physically. 

The kids did have a great time.  I was able to mask my crazies from them. It will prob take my gf a while to forget!  Ha, that's what friends are for!

Now

Rewinding to the past or projecting yourself into the future affects your current mood, which alters the present moment.  This is one of a few important life lessons I learned from The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

How many times have you been having a great time and then thought, 'there is something I'm supposed to be concerned with, oh yea, paying my bills, picking junior up, getting milk, etc..'?  You project yourself to the future and totally mess up the moment.  Or, something really crappy is happening to you and you rewind to that favorite memory of when you were sitting around the fire with 3 of your girls chatting and buzzed off the fresh air, beer, and ciggies.

Why remove yourself from the moment?   

Live it and enjoy it.  There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty for feeling good or having a good time even if you have serious obligations or debts.  You know, as long as you aren't doing something destructive or immoral.

What if it is a horrible moment?  Still be present.  We all know when we repress and/or avoid our feelings it comes back to bite us in the arse.  We eat, drink, drug, shop, or sex away the negative feelings that we pushed down and let fester. Or, we mistreat our spouse, kids, pet, employees, friends, etc.  Or, we do all of the above.  Because we didn't feel what we were supposed to feel when we were supposed to feel it. 

When we clutter our mind with past failings or triumphs and fear or excitement of future obligations we make ourselves anxious and stressed.  This causes physical responses like spikes in blood pressure and the release of adrenaline, cortisol, and endorphins.  After we come up from these physical responses, we then crash down.

In The Power of Now, the author tells us to pay attention to each of your senses as you participate in an action in order to have complete awareness of that exact moment, which is a practice to keep your mind from wandering.  He gives the example of washing your hands.  Feel the temperature of the water, see the water flowing, smell the soap, listen to the sounds of the water hitting your hands and going down the drain. Be in that moment.  Experience it and feel it.  Don't let your mind wander.  

Silence the mind.  When we silence the mind we find peace.  We feel calm.  Our bodies are weightless and tingly. 

The book was overwhelming when I read it and this review is from a year of contemplating it.  It's the only book that I finished and then immediately started reading again.  I look forward to reading it again soon and seeing what else I can learn from it.

Two of my fave quotes from the book are "Die to the past every moment." and "Belief in a future heaven creates a present hell".  Wrap your head around those doozies! 

Cards

I have a karma box on top of the microwave. Any card we get in the mail I put it in the box.  After reading it, of course ;)

Today it was overflowing so I emptied it into a bag to put in the basement with our other bags.  The last time it was emptied was in April because part of the cleanse I was on was not just to clean up your insides, but your life. 

Overflowing in 6 months!  And Christmas didn't even pass in those 6 months!  

Every time I add a card to our growing box I think about how much people love us.  And when I empty it, I experience powerful emotions thinking of all the events that have happened in our loved ones lives.  Graduations, births, baptisms, weddings, anniversary parties, etc.

One of my favorites from this set was a first day of preschool card from the big one's aunt.  Who knew they made those!?  He was so excited and I was so touched that she thought to do that.

There has to be other people like me that hoard these pieces of karma so when they are having a down moment they can remember all the beautiful things in life.  Please share with us what type of karma box you have.  

Means

This morning I was clearing out the pages of a notebook from when I worked for a mortgage broker in 2002.  One of the pages had the specs for a 107% loan.  With a 620 credit score it was a 50% debt to income ratio or with a 600 credit score, a 45% dti.  How negligible to allow a buyer to close on a home without bringing a cent to the table. 

Imagine if you were to get that loan and purchase a home in a beautiful neighborhood at your complete max.  Then your hot water heater craps out the day after you close, you need to replace a car, you get pregnant again, you lose your job, you have to pay for cobra insurance (only $1200 oop month) etc.  What does that do to your dti?  Now imagine that happening to a couple of your neighbors in your beautiful neighborhood.  We all know what happens. We all saw it happen. We are all connected to people that had similar scenarios happen to them.

Fortunately for my husband and I, when those things happened (and they all happened, plus more that I'm choosing not to recall or subconsciously blocking out), we were able to rebound.  Or, we are in the process of rebounding.  I am so grateful that I married a logical and intelligent man who is humble enough to seek and take his parents advice.  I am also thankful my parents always tried to instill in me to live within my means.  By no means, :), do we have the financial aspect of life completely figured out but we are a work in progress and try very hard.

When it comes to making huge financial decisions, don't trust the people that are making money off of you.  Your realtor and lender don't have your best interest at heart.  They have their best interest at heart.  It's their job to bring home money for their dti, to get promoted for making more money for their company, for reselling your home at a loss because you can't afford it (if you aren't forced into foreclosure) and then making more money off that sell.

Everybody wants the best.  We want it for our families, for our status, for our ego.  What a lot of us don't realize is the real 'best' is what we can afford at that given time. 

Use your gut, be humble enough to take advice from people who have been there and done that, and try to imagine the worst case financial scenario and make sure you can survive it.  Don't risk your health and relationships to be in what you perceive as the "best".  Make smart decisions with what you have now and you will remain happy, positive, and healthy.  Then you will be able to afford a better "best" before you know it. 

Words

'Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.' Buddha.

That is the quote on the bottom of the first page of a journal I bought from Barnes and Noble the other night.  Marked down from $14.99 to $5.98...Yessss!

When I decided to write this blog I saw it as an avenue for me to communicate insights that I have learned from people, experiences, books, magazines, the interwebs, tv etc.

The quote above is a perfect description of what I intend to do with this and what I don't intend to happen. 

I respect you and your time and will not write a thousand words of emptiness. If I'm writing something, it's because I have dug deep and feel it is something that may benefit someone.  Even when that someone is me and I didn't figure it out until I put pen to paper, or thumbs to droid. 

I am now aware of the wildness of the quote and the fact that my entries are all one word subjects.  Truthfully, I have been confused by why I started with, and have stuck with, one word titles until now.  I'm actually quite punny and could have some seriously kick arse titles.  Silly universe! 

Writing has helped me in numerous ways and I hope some of my posts are able to help you feel anything that leads you to peace.  Love, interconnectedness, trust, hope, joy, fulfillment, forgiveness, encouragement, support, on and on.  I'm here for you and appreciate you being there for me.

Habits

A few years back I read that it takes 3 weeks to form a habit.  What I read said something about repetition of the same activity for 3 weeks causes new pathways to be formed in the brain so it is easier for neurons (maybe?) to get back and forth.

As I have mentioned in a few posts, I went on a cleanse in April.  The cleanse was 21 days.  Perfect number!  I lasted 20, because the 20th day was Mother's Day and mama needed a treat.  But my pathways were totally built (I always like to get things done ahead of schedule....yea right...).

Since the cleanse I have lost 43 lbs.  I actually weigh less than my goal weight! 

In the past couple weeks I've run into a couple girlfriends who I see occasionally and they wanted to know the get thin quick trick. There is no trick.  It took 6 months for me to get here. 

I bought 'Quantum Wellness' by Kathy Freston (also see Forgiveness entry for more about the book) for both friends and hope they read it.  I cannot speak enough praises of that book.  The cleanse is included in the book, along with many other practices that improved my well being significantly.

If you want to see enormous improvements in your life, action is required.  The author shows you ways and gives examples of others success in such a graceful and convincing way.  She shows that each of us is a work in progress and with inward reflection, forgiveness, and a positive attitude we can become what we strive to be. 

Swing

I picked the big one up from school and headed over to the library playground that is near our home.  The weather is absolutely perfect. A clear 67 and windy. I have always loved the wind.  Even more when I heard that Native Americans believe wind is the spirits of those that have passed on. 

The big one ran from the parking lot to the jungle gym.  I followed behind him and snagged a swing. 

Do you moms ever get on the swings when you go with your kiddies? 

I did out of necessity when we went with the babe a while ago and there were no baby swings.  Swinging is fun!  To lay back and feel the wind and sun on your face as you are propelling back and forth cutting through the air.  And if you have a child attached to you squealing it is a feeling out of this world.  Every time I swing with the boys it makes me think of mama monkeys carrying their infants.  You know that video from Biology class.  My boys grip on tight with their arms and legs and I hold on as long as they let me.  It's such a simple and pure joy shared by mother and son. 

Support

In the past couple months I have fully grasped the importance of support.  The more my husband and I have supported people, the more support we have received.  I think part of us receiving more support is that we have been more receptive to receiving it from family and friends because we have witnessed the significance of showing it to others.

The support we have received has been from parties other than the ones we have supported. Initially it confused me but writing this entry has helped me figure it out.  I have learned that I shouldn't expect to get support from everyone I have supported.  They may not yet be in that role of being the supporter, just like I wasn't before.  To give support and then want it in return from the same person isn't selfless, it's expecting and assuming.   

Think about the last time someone truly supported you and how confident and secure that made you feel.  Isn't it a beautiful gift to make someone important to you, or even a stranger, feel that same warmth?  Not only do you get the satisfaction of making that person feel great, but they may pay it forward growing someone elses self esteem.  We can build each other up, and we should.  Everyone and everything benefits. 

This post is dedicated to my beastie (I know you love that play on letters), who I just told about bloggy yesterday.  Your support and enthusiasm means the world to me!

Nephew

My sister sent me the following text this morning:  'I told LJ I liked his outfit and thought Daddy would too. He asked if I thought Naomi would.'.

Ahaha!  I love it.  He's 5 and just started kindergarten.  I know I shouldn't be enjoying it so much because of the impending karma with my big one, but whateves. 

Funny universe...the Jimmy Soul song 'If you wanna be happy' is on now. 

Sing it with me people!  'If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, you have to make a pretty woman your wife'

Guard

I bought the big one a lightning McQueen wallet for his birthday on the 20th but, once again, couldn't wait to give it to him.  I surprised him with it this morning and gave him some shiny pennies for a special mall trip to 'feed the fountain'.  I tend to be very nice to the boys after we get home from visiting my parents.  You know, to help alleviate the grandparent withdrawal symptoms. 

In the center of the mall there were a couple of cars on display. One of them was a black Mustang so we just had to go see it.  The big one yells, 'Mommy, that's the car Daddy wants!'. So I scream back, 'Let's go get a closer look!'.  He was beaming.

I caught the mall security guard watching us and soaking up my boys excitement.  His (the guards) eyes were twinkling and he was smiling.  I could feel him feeling the enthusiasm my son had and really taking it in.  More positive human connection.  So nice! 

Squeals

We're home!  The boys were both very well behaved, especially for each only nodding off for half an hour.  We had to drop off an alternator at my sisters so that tacked an hour onto the trip, but we got to drive through the country side and see lots of horses and beautiful homes.  I thought about pulling over and buying the boys horses because they were so well behaved but didn't have any rubber checks with me.

We got home around 3:30.  The big one heard the door when daddy got home and let out a squeal that could be heard around the world.  Then the baby started squealing.  Then me.  It was intense.  And awesome.  We started doing the 'daddy' chant until he got upstairs.  He looked brand new to all of us and he was excited to see us. 

I loved seeing both of the boys excitement about seeing their dad after 4 days.  You would think it was a lot longer.  The baby had a perma-grin until I shoved the three of them out of the house so I could have some me time. 

We are so blessed in so many ways.  I'm forever grateful and thankful for the opportunities we get and the love that surrounds us.  I hope you are feeling love and happiness. 

Europe

My dad said during lunch today that he's been thinking about taking my sisters and me to Germany and England to see where we grew up.  I shot it down, at first, with all the reasons why it wouldn't work out.  *Too expensive. *The sons in law watching the kids for a couple weeks.  *Coordinating everyone's schedule so we could go for 2 weeks.  Then my dad clarified that we would first do a Germany week long trip and if we all survived then the following year we would go to England for a week. 

After my initial thoughts I started thinking of what a wonderful idea it was.  Especially after our first sister trip was so amazing. 

A little bit after the suggestion I mentioned to my dad that I don't have a current passport and he said to start the process.  I know it is a pipe dream right now but I am going to get my passport.  Seriously, how wonderful of an experience would that be for all of us?

Are you thinking that the universe is presenting this opportunity to me because of my return to innocence project?  Pretty coincidental!

Soccer

We went to see my nephew's soccer game this morning.  It was awesome.  The big one went from lap to lap warming us up.  I chewed on sunflower seeds with my dad and mom, who won't chew gum because its unladylike...  The baby was in his stroller screaming 'Go Go!' so loud the ref looked over and laughed. 

My nephew caught my eye and waved.  I know he was excited to see me and the boys, his parents and both sets of grandparents.  We were the biggest group of cheerleaders.  And loudest because of the baby's 'go go!' And 'ball!!'.

I love the family togetherness.   Who knows, this may be a memory he has forever and can think of if he ever feels alone. 

Journey

Road trips are a journey down innocence lane each time for me.  I can never fall asleep the night before and always wake up earlier than necessary.  There's a certain inexplicable feel to the morning of a trip.  Energy and excitement for the unknown. 

I love the enthusiasm my big boy and I share every time we drive up to see my parents.  When I picked him up from school he jumped on me and asked if we were really going and how he thought it was going to be such an awesome time! 

The baby boy was actually really good this time, which made it even nicer.  We left our home at 1:30 and got to my parents at 7.  That's extremely good time for a 300 mile trip!  And an extremely good reason to keep this short since I'm worn to the max.

Wisdom

Tao Te Ching, Verse 49 Wisdom

"Wise people are not absorbed
in their own needs.
They take the needs of all people as their own.

They are good to the good.
But they are also good to those
who are still absorbed in their own needs.

Why?
Because goodness is in the very nature
of the Great Integrity.

Wise people trust
those who trust.
But they also trust those who do not trust.

Why?
Because trusting is in the very nature
of the Great Integrity.

Wise people merge with all others
rather than stand apart judgmentally.
In this way, all begin to open their ears and hearts,
more prepared to return to the innocence of childhood."

I bought the Tao Te Ching a little over a month ago, ironically, just before my big boy started preschool.  The verses were written by Lao Tzu and the book I purchased has a translation and commentary by Ralph Alan Dale, Ed.D., Ph.D, A.P., Dipl.Ac.

The Tao Te Ching is, so far, the spiritual writings that I have most connected with.  It's impossible for me to explain the writings in a coherent way so I recommend you buy a copy yourself and see if it resonates with you.

It's a beautiful read that should give you hope about this world becoming a better place.  And maybe also encourage some amazing personal growth.  It did for me!

Arms

A little under two years ago I would dance around the living room with my baby boy in my arms singing to Christina Perri's song 'Arms'.  If you haven't heard it before please find it on the interwebs and listen to it.  Christina Perri sounds like an angel and there is an innocence to her voice that pulls at my heart strings every time I hear this song.

I miss my infant babies.  It is such a beautiful time!  Just holding on to those warm little babies and dreaming about who they will become and what they will look like.  Of course my physical images of the boys couldn't have been more off ... their curls get them compliments every where we go.

I hadn't listened to 'Arms' in a while and when I did yesterday it blew my mind that my baby boy is now able to wrap me up in a hug whenever I ask. 

'You put your arms around me and I'm home'

Rainfall

Sunday night I told my sister the boys and I would be over this morning.  I woke up early, or should I say 'was woken up early', to rain.  It hasn't stopped yet.  We usually hole ourselves up when it rains but I thought about the return to innocence challenge and how the rain was a great excuse for us to do the same thing, just at my sisters place.  I wore jeans there but brought my super soft pink plaid pants with me. 

After dealing with an absurd amount of horrible drivers and unnecessary traffic we got to the Starbucks drive thru around 10:30.  My sister and I have an unspoken understanding that we don't show up at the others house without coffee.  It's kind of like an entrance fee. 

We got to my sister's place and her and my niece were outside to help unload.  Once inside I immediately changed into my comfy pants and the boys and girl went to her room and played. Quiet. For like over an hour! It was glorious.  

During that hour my sister and I caught up on the weekend.  She was draped across the couch and I was curled up on the recliner sipping our sweet nectar of the Gods.  Perfect!  After we rehashed our weekends my sister told me she is thinking of moving the fam to the beach where we had our sister's weekend.  Instead of being critical or judgemental I just listened.  She was happy about it.  She is excited about it.  She believes they can afford to buy their first home and put my nephew into a school that is ranked the same as his current school.  She looked younger talking about it.  It might be just a dream, or it may be something that motivates her to change their current situation. Whatever it is, it was nice to see her hopeful and excited.  After I got home I was reminded of the absolute joy my husband and I had when we bought our home.  I hope she gets to share that feeling with her husband. 

Innocence

This morning I got wind of the 31 days challenge from a fellow blogger (@CSElkins).

It's perfect timing considering just last night I contemplated what a trying month September was and wondered if it would be beneficial, for my sanity, to just have bloggy be about one topic.  This writing thing is difficult!  Especially trying to juggle it with the sons, husband, household, etc.  I think temporarily having one topic could be really good for bloggy and for me, and for our budding relationship.

After reading the tweet about the challenge I came up with the topic, The Return to Innocence.   

Initially when I came up with the topic I thought it would be all fun and games.  Like following the boys around and mimicking them and then reporting my findings to bloggy.  A good example of our most recent innocent fun is visiting the neighborhood acorn patch and throwing huge acorns (they cant be organic ;)) at unsuspecting trees.  After pondering the topic more, I realized that my urge to return to innocence was because of my past attempts to flee from innocence.  A good example was at age 18 getting a tattoo (my one and only, that will be removed!) the day before my ex-boyfriend returned from bootcamp to prove to him I wasn't as innocent as he thought.  I'm not anti-tattoo, but let me advise you that if you are going to get one, don't let it be to prove anything to an EX.  I'll never live that one down. 

So, just to be thorough during my challenge, I dictionary.comed what innocence is and here's the def:

1. the quality or state of being innocent;  freedom from sin or moral wrong.

2. freedom from legal or specific wrong; guiltlessness: The prisoner proved his innocence.

3. simplicity; absence of guile or cunning; naiveté.

4. lack of knowledge or understanding.

5. harmlessness; innocuousness.

I look forward to literally dissecting the word innocence and learning some things about myself and hopefully touching some of you on the way. 

Day 1's early completion was brought to you by my amazing husband who came home from work for a break and is unsuspectingly watching the babe.  Love you baby cakes!