Thursday, May 14, 2015

Dex

I thought we were taking Dexter in to be treated for a doggie cold but it ended up being a very severe heart murmur. The vet said it was a 5 or 6 with the next phase being heart failure.

This was in August of last year.

Fortunately we've been able to medicate him and keep him alive and comfy since then.

We've been getting constant blood work, urinalysis, and have had 2 ultrasounds.

His first ultrasound showed that he had degenerative heart disease and the most recent one a few weeks ago showed that his heart has grown.

It's sad. I'm sad.

I was devastated when we found out the news and thought it was so unfair because both boys would be in school.

It was supposed to be our time to hang and reconnect after 6 years of him being terrorized by his human brothers.

Just him and me, cuddling in bed. We are doing that now. It's nice.

I can't help but feel the dread and I don't know what to do with it.

I am beyond grateful we got more time together but the inevitable is going to happen and most likely soon since his cough has changed.

I don't want to put him down, I don't know that I believe in euthanizing. I definitely don't want to see him suffer though.

I've told a couple people this is going to be major for my sobriety. I NEED to be sober. I stopped last time accidentally and definitely spiraled with the little ones asthma and then again in August with Dexters shortened life sentence.

All those health ailments while growing a business was so exhausting. And too much which ushered in the self medicating.

I feel like I'm in survival mode. People ask me about the weekend and I respond I'm just trying to get through the next event. Whatever it is. Picking up the kids from school, going to the grocery store, a play date, whateves. One day at a time right?

I feel like a flake because I cancel stuff but I feel so physically uncomfortable and tired and know that I'm "taking care of myself" but wonder if I'm ever going to be able to have energy. To be able to consistantly get shit done. Is it always going to be so much of a struggle?

I want balance. I want to be able to rest but rest when the house is clean so when I rest its real rest instead of guilt rest. I want to be able to numb out some of the pain and dread I feel about Dex and about the recent news of illnesses and divorces.

I know now that I must "sit through it" but God that's so much easier said than done. How long does it last? I know the pain will end but those situations won't. The change won't. The uncertainty won't.

I'm grateful to be writing again. This is good for me.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Change

When I loaded the almost full sink of dirty dishes into the just emptied dishwasher I made eye contact with the pots that needed to be handwashed. 👀

My immediate thought was, "meh...I'm already doing enough with the dirty dishes, I'll just do the pots later."

The following thought was "Just do it. Then it's done. Your hands are already wet. It'll take 5 more minutes. Get the job done."

Then I felt queasy.

Like a for real physical gross response to cleaning! Hahah! Intense!

Even though I was literally sickened by washing pots I completed the job.

And as you've already assumed, I felt much better the moment it was done.

It wasn't til I began a Marie Forleo interview hours later that I recalled seeing it before and being very impacted by the topic.

The interview was on change and habits and what happens to us on a molecular level. The part that most stuck with me most was how when we attempt to make changes our cells also change (by vibrating) and that can cause physical discomfort.

Obvs the video is included for you. This interview hit me hard and I've shared it with multiple people at random times since I saw it but it wasn't until the dish sitch that I noticed it happening to myself.

Since my awareness of the ick feeling I've noticed it appear again. During similar situations too...when it comes to completing something. Instead of finishing, I think "I'll do it later." but since the Aha moment I've finished whatever it was I was working on and told those sick cells to suck it up because mama is making some changes. Yessss!

#feelingmotivated


Friday, May 8, 2015

Recovering

I wrote the other night about how I've been taking care of myself. Since then I went to a high school reunion meeting and dove into that a bit more.

Oh those poor unsuspecting souls.

My regular guy was there and asked how business was.. I started to tell him, and a girl from our graduating class (whom I'd never met before that night), about my absolute disdain for all things vendor events.

The conversation (soapbox) was going alright until I tried to explain why it was difficult. The talking to strangers for hours and the physical labor involved. The rejection, the encouragement, the lack of sales, the small talk, the questions, the suggestions. It's all a lot.

As I'm talking about how hard it is to talk to people I can't help but feel like a jackass. I mean, I love talking to people, it's the sales part I don't like. And it's selling something that I have an emotional attachment to that's very hard.

He asked though and I was honest that vendor events wipe me out. I truthfully told them it takes a couple days to recover from each event.

That's the point of the convo where I felt the worst about myself and how I was appearing.

The "new" girl wasn't receptive to me (maybe she was tired or not used to people who speak so much about themselves/their trials) from the beginning.

As I heard the words "days to recover" come out of my mouth I thought about her perception of me and how "regular" people do things daily that they don't want to do.

Go to jobs that they have tasks to get done, meetings with people they don't like and day after day of long physically/emotionally draining days.

They don't get days to recover. Well, the weekend but that's after God knows how many personally uncomfortable experiences that they've had to go through.

I did that. For 15 years. And I disliked it. Immensely.

I coped but I did so by numbing myself with substances and living for the moment I could leave each night and of course for the weekends so I could rage my face off.

Life is so much better now.

I know that I am beyond #blessed (😝) to have had it all line up. And I am not at all delusional about the amount of hard ass work I put into it and the amount of "fun" I "missed out" on. But I am fortunate enough to be able to put myself in uncomfortable (for me) situations and then do as I see fit to grow or maintain my business.

This whole self care/compassion thing is a tricky one. Im doing it and know I need to but how do I talk about it without seeming insensitive to "regular" people? Or just don't talk about it? That's probably the best bet for me! Less chance of jackassery.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Return

I wasn't sober for a while so I stopped writing. I always wanted to write but felt like my lack of sobriety was a betrayal to my writing and the blog. Plus, my brain doesn't function as clearly while under the influence.

I've been taking care of myself. It feels good. In the last week I've fallen asleep before 9 more times than not. Sleep is so good. Unfortunately it hasn't been uninterrupted but getting out of the up til midnight crap is good.

I've also been taking my Prozac and new vitamins daily for a few months now. I'm taking vitamin b6 and b12 and lysine.  My brains never felt so quick.

I've had a hunch for the past half decade or so that the vegetarian diet was negatively impacting me but stubbornness kept me from fully admitting it to myself and taking steps to get better.

I do believe my inability to learn and retain information before wasn't just from poor nutrition but also childhood stresses centered around learning. It all plays a part.

Anywho, I'm grateful for Marie Forleos video today encouraging writers to write because this has been missing from my life and I know how much joy writing gives me and how it heals me and I needed to start again.

So welcome back to me and I look forward to sharing more of the past year which has been such a pivotal time in my life for growth, self awareness and realizations.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Celebration

After Robin Williams committed suicide one of my friends shared something that ended up being life changing for me.  

I'll link back to it later but will share the part that stuck with me  the most.

"celebrate everything."

Any accomplishment, no matter how "small".  

Getting out of bed. Taking a shower. Eating a balanced meal.  Taking the kids out in the cold ass weather to take a scooter ride.

Basically all of the "simple to most people" daily tasks that feel like giant hurtles when you are in a mentally and physically low place.

For anyone who feels like I'm a simpleton or that celebrating anything I do is over dramatic or intense, it's not only me who feels like celebrating ourselves is underutilized.

In Tara Mohrs Playing Big program she also talked about humans current associations with celebrating.  About how we feel like in order to celebrate it has to be something big (like a promotion, a baby, a new car, a wedding, a divorce, etc) and we celebrate these things usually with stress inducing/expensive parties, booze, treating ourselves to costly gifts.  We feel like we have to go big with the celebration because they happen so infrequent.

Since I read to celebrate everything I make it a conscious effort to do so.

And you know what, I've felt awesome.  Not to say there isn't still a struggle but I'm in a much more positive mind set and feel less down about myself because I take a moment to applaud myself when I do something good/difficult for me.

Ya know, instead of only beating myself up when I don't get something done.

Screw that, I'm over it.

Celebrate party peeps!  It's a good way to live!



Monday, December 22, 2014

Judgement

No Judgement.

Those two words entered my head in a very calm and stern voice on our way to the funeral last week.  

I've thought about judgement a lot. Haven't we all?

It wasn't until I recognized how much I judged others and filled my mind with proper actions the judgee should take that I realized just how useless judging others is.

So much time and energy wasted thinking I knew what was best for someone else.  That's egocentric, negative and a sincere waste of my own time.

So I stopped doing it.  Slowly but surely.

For the people I felt I judged too much, who had lifestyles way different than mine and that I believed our spiritual paths wouldn't meet up again, I let them go.

For the family members and loved ones who I was concerned about but knew that the bond there was unable to brake I learned to deal with it and not invest my emotional energy and beliefs into hoping they'd steer themselves down my right path.

Sounds ludicrous, right?  "down my right path"

But that's the basis of judging...thinking someone should be living how you live,  or the appearance to others as how you live.

The opportunity to judge others comes up often though and I am constantly tested.  Most often I'm tested when I am in uncommon situations, like a child's funeral.

When I heard myself think "No Judgement" I thought, jeez, I'm not a monster....who the hell could I judge at a child's funeral?

Then I thought about children being there.
And some friends not being there.
And the response some people would have. Some could cry really loud and  maybe some would be stone cold.
What if someone showed up drunk.
Or arrived late.

Damn! I'm good at this judging thing!  I came up with all that in seconds!

My mind was preparing me and preventing me from letting the true message from the day be taken away from me.

While we are busy judging others, we are unable to see what is happening in that moment.

What the priest was saying.  The smell of incense. The sun coming through. The warmth from Ryan holding my hand.  My gf handing a tissue to our friend. The stupid fuzzball on my friends jacket (R later said I could pick it off, which I did without the guy noticing).  The beautiful voice the woman behind me had.

If I was busy judging all the people and *perceived* questionable things around me the entire message and importance from those moments would have been lost on me.  And that would have been a shame because the funeral was such a moving and spiritual experience.

I've recognized that the people that are the most judgmental are the ones with the most self doubt and feelings of being judged themselves.

I want to share that since I've been able to curb the judgement I no longer feel like I'm being judged.  Which may or may not be the case but it's lost it's hold over me.

My piece of advice: let the judgers judge and you spend your time and energy on something positive, like making your life as beautiful as you want it be.

Love,
Marcian

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Remembering

I was sitting in the living room waiting to pick up the four year old from preschool. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat because if I didn't eat before I got him I'd usually be so wrapped up after that I would end up really hangry by 2.

I look out the kitchen window and see a huge number of crows in my neighbor and my yard, our sidewalks and on her car.  I wanted to grab my phone to take a picture but it was in the living room and for some reason I thought I should stay and watch.  After counting at least 22 I see them all take off into the sky together.

I didn't know what it was for but I knew what I saw was a "sign" and that it should stay with me.

After the birds took flight I went into the living room to grab my phone. I checked Twitter real quick to waste a couple more minutes before getting the boy. I see a post by Russell Simmons media group "School shooting reported ...."  I'd seen enough. I closed out and headed to get my boy.

I got a glimpse of how serious it was when I got to the boys preschool.  The administrators daughter and desk lady were very shaken up. The parents picking their kids up were too.

We headed to the grocery store and I heard a dj start to talk about it and quickly changed the channel. My bubble is comfy and ignorance is bliss.

The news was unavoidable. I found out later that afternoon.

When I found out the number I thought back to the crows.  How they were all together and I knew when I saw them fly off together that they would stick together.

It did provide some solace to me but I still ended up sleeping with one of the two boys for weeks.  I couldn't not be around them.

There hasn't been a Christmas assembly where I haven't thought about and mourned for those parents, siblings, school staff and responders.  Ugh, the first responders...that really got to me.  What they saw and were responsible to take care of.  Unbelievable.

I wrote this poem the night after while staring at my big boy:

http://www.findingfelicity.com/2012/12/sons.html